Author: carinemily

25 Years Ago
Before my mental breakdown
I lived with a Swede in
A town called “Linkoping”

In this small apartment
And we had one of those really
Intense relationships
Where we loved each other

Madly
But couldn’t seem to
Get along because
The relationship was so

Damn emotional.

We had a lot in common
And shared many of the
Same strengths and
Weaknesses.

Young
Cute
Moody
Smart
Strange
Introverted

She studied Physics
At the local University
And was so damn smart
That I think she won

Every argument,

But in the end
It didn’t matter because
We would end up in bed
Together
Afterwards

And all the fighting
And anger
Made the sex
That much better.

We’d have these
Wild conversations
Together about
Physics, the Universe and
God,

And I’d listen in awe
And then afterwards
We would fight over some
Trivial matter that usually

Involved
Money or
Politics

Then go to bed
And make up.

This cycle of
Fighting, Fornication
Physics, Fondness and
Fidelity
Continued until
Our ​relationship
Blew up
Like a Supernova

That collapses
Under its own gravity
Because the heat
Becomes too fiery and
Intense.

Its 20 year later
Now
And
We live on opposite ends
Of the world
But she still writes me
Every now and then

Because even though
That intense young love
Is usually
Doomed to failure,

It molds you
In ways that last a
Lifetime

And I know that
We would be different
People
If it wasn’t for the

Love &
Anger &
Adventure &
Fights &
Travels &
Experiences

That we shared together
In our great
Adventure.

The business world
Keeps drilling this
Idea in my head
That the only measure of
Success
Is money,

But
I wouldn’t give up
The Artist Lifestyle
For a Million Dollars.

I guess all the
Brainwashing
Sessions
Stopped working

When I decided
To follow
My dreams and
Press the
Mute Button

On their
Values

Many
People believe
That their personal problems
Can be solved
Through politics,

That
“Utopia is just
One election away”.

They think;

I don’t have a job
Because of a politician

I don’t have friends
Because of a politician

I drink too much
Because of a politician

I hate the world
Because of a politician

I have no money
Because of a politician

I lost my business
Because of a politician

People are looking for
A quick fix

And the politicians
Of today
Will readily tell them
That they alone hold
The cure
For their misfortune

Knowing that most people
Will readily
Drink the poison.

När man bor utomlands
Flera år
Det ar lätt att
Bli förlorat.

When you live overseas
For several years
Its easy to
Become lost.

Man tänker inte ofta
På hur sitt eget kultur
Påverkar
Mans perspektiv,

Most people don’t think
About how their own culture
Effects their perspective

Men när man
Har bott utomlands
Flera år
Börjar man att ha
Ett annat synpunkt

Från ett annat kultur
Från ett annat land.

But when you have lived
Overseas several years
You start to see things from
The perspective

Of another culture
Of another land

Man börjar att
Ifrågasätta
Sitt eget troende
Eftersom man har upplevat
Världen från ett
Annat synpunkt

You start to question
Your own beliefs
Because you have experienced
The world from a different
Vantage point.

Och det är jus da
När man kan
Ifrågasätta
Sitt identitet,

And it is then that
One begins to question
Their own identity

Och börjar att känna sig
Som ett man
Utan land.

And start to feel like
A person without
A country.

Som ett individ som
Inte tillhör
Nånting alls.

Like an individual
Who doesn’t belong
To anything at all.

Eskilstuna är en stad som
Jag bodde I som utbytesstudent
Trettio år sen.

Eskilstuna is a town that
I lived in as an exchange student
30 years ago.

I försökte att assimilera
Till kulturen

I tried to assimilate to
The culture

Jag försökte att assimilera
Till mentalitet

I tried to assimilate to
The mentality

Jag försökte att
Bli Svensk

I tried to be
Swedish

Men det aldrig fungerade.

But it never worked

Eftersom Amerikanerna
Kan inte
Assimilera sig utomlands.

Because Americans
Suck
At not being American.

Sorry about the rusty Swedish © 2 hours ago, Daniel Hoeweler    exchange-student • sweden • swedish • eskilstuna   

A storm is brewing in the computer world
A new type of computer that can hack
Into any traditional computer device
That utilizes RSA encryption.

Which is essentially everything.

Bank Records, Phone Records,
Logins, Passwords,
Nuclear Reactor and Air Transportation
Systems,

Everything will be up for grabs
Everything will be hackable.

In the next 5-10 years
Quantum Computers
Will change the world,

And turn the internet into
An open book.

A real hacker’s delight.

Good-Bye Digital Data
Good-Bye and Good-Night
I hope that the world
Reverts back to 1899.

I met my closest friend 25 years ago
At a “They Might Be Giants” Concert.

He stood out like a sore thumb
Among the crowd because his appearance
Resembled that of an extraterrestrial
With a lanky gaunt body and an
Unusually large head,

Which housed a rather
Brilliant Cranium.

It became apparent to me
After meeting him several times that
He was one of the strangest and most
Eccentric individuals I
Ever met,

So we immediately became friends.

He enjoyed collecting things
From an early age and had
All sorts oddities scattered
Around his house

Including a life size
Han Solo in carbonite,

But it wasn’t until he started collecting
Magic the Gathering Cards that he
Found his true passion in life.

He was drunk on those things
And owned Thousands of them.

Eventually he ended up
Becoming the world’s most
Renowned expert on
Misprinted Magic Cards,

He even had his own
Misprint Youtube Channel with
Thousands of subscribers,

We would go to Gaming Conventions together
Gencon, Origins and others,

Him with his briefcase of Magic Cards
And me as his bodyguard
Because those cards he carried
Around with him were worth thousands
Of dollars.

We’d walk inside these large gaming conventions
And everyone would treat the guy like a
King and ask him
What cool crazy misprinted cards
He was carrying around with him.

I’d sit around and watch as he
Sold his Power Nine Alpha Lotus’s and
Timetwisters
To wealthy customers hooked on
This psychologically addictive game
With a crazed look in their eyes
Because all those geeks and nerds had to
“Collect Them All”
And get their fix on.

A while back we drove out
To meet a game designer
Where he made the
“Deal of a Lifetime”

And we drove out of
That joint with
A Quarter Million in
Cardboard Crack.

Keith the Misprint Guy,
Loyal Friend of mine
Drug lord of the modern age,
The El Chapo
Of Nerds
And a great icon
In the gaming world.

20 years ago
I had no place to call home
And was “Filth on the street”.

People would walk by
Not understanding
Why
A young man so seemingly
Vibrant could end up
With no place of his own.

Much later
I would find myself employed
With my own domicile
A seemingly impossible task.

Now I
See the so-called
“Vagrants” on the street as
Former shadows of myself
“What could have been”
I see myself
In each of them.

Over the years this
City has evolved
From a place of
Homogeneity and
Censorship
Into an eclectic blend of
People of all types and
Backgrounds.

You change neighborhoods
And it’s
A whole new people
A whole new mentality,
From the Hipsters of Northside
To the Homeboys of West Side to
The Business Types of Hyde Park and
The Artists of OTR.

Sometimes we have
Big City transplants
Arrive here from
San Francisco and New York City,
Excommunicated from these
Mega Cities because
They aren’t tied into
A mega-corporation
And they don’t want to sell all their
Precious time to
The Man.

They want to make art and love and
Drink and Dine and
LIVE
Because their time is too precious a
Commodity to waste on
Rent money and overpriced
Coffee

Now that the pandemic is dying down
I’ve been talking with a lot of
Various people who seem to be
In agreement that Covid is the
Worst thing that’s ever happened
To them,

And I can’t help but think
That Covid-19 isn’t even
On my “Top 3 List” of
Awful things.

Don’t get me wrong,
The pandemic was
Different for everyone.

For some people it was
100 hundred times worse than
Others,

Especially those who were damaged
As a result of the virus,
But personally
Covid didn’t seem that awful.

Perhaps my introverted nature and
Disdain for humanity gave me an
Advantage during the pandemic.

Perhaps the extreme nature of
Past tragedies and my
Familiarity with my own mortality
Dulled the blow of the virus.

After surviving two
Medical catastrophes
Both of which should have left me
Either insane or dead,

Covid feels a bit more
Like a speed bump.

Three floors of books located in
Downtown Cincinnati
On Main Street
Filled to the brim with thoughts and
Knowledge.

Shelf after shelf
Page after page
Of words and letters
In various combinations

Expressing thoughts and
Exploring ideas.

One can spend days there
In a trance
Mesmerized
By the various
Books to be found.

Immortals speaking to us
From the other side ready
To be discovered again.

My anger towards Mental Health
Services has been a bag of
Bricks weighing my poetry down
For the last 10 years.

It’s time to cut the string
And let my poetry soar.

I’ve decided to work on my
Anger problems and
Not let it
Infect my writing.

10 Years is too long
To hold a grudge
Against disability services
So I’ve decided to leave
The past in the past
And concentrate on the
Future.

The sun will shine brighter
On those who no longer dwell
On past wrongdoings.

Ever since I was brought back
From a psychotic frame of my mind
By my Psychiatrist
Fifteen Years ago
There has been this intense
Rage in my heart and soul,

It contaminates my poems from
Time to time

I write things in a state of rage
Only to delete them days
Later

Maybe I should wait
And mull over my poems
Before publishing them…

I fell apart into
A thousand pieces
Twenty years ago
And it’s taken almost that long to
Sew myself back together.

Piece by piece

Part by part

Brainwaves being rerouted
Into their proper places and
Neurons being soothed into
A serene state of being through

Medication
Exercise
Diet and
An honest job.

It’s been a
Monumental task
That exhibits how
Self improvement is
An endeavor worth pursuing
For even the most flawed
Human being.

I got my first covid vaccination
A few weeks ago,

And I feel…

Bliss.

For a year now I’ve dodged that
Virus through mask wearing
And hand washing.

I’ve been coughed and sneezed
On at work countless times by
Careless individuals,

But alas luck and science
Have triumphed and I now
Live my life
Undamaged by the
Virus

Other than a rather
Boring year spent on
Self-reflection.

Delivering food during Covid
As a courier
I saw a lot of ambulances
Everywhere,

Unseen
Behind their metallic walls
Covid patients were
Gasping for breathe.

It makes you realize how
Cruel and uneven
The world is

A disease that
Targets the elderly and
Disabled,

And leaves the young
And healthy untouched.

I’m still in my forties
And have taken to task
The job of delivering food
To those
Who dare not step outside.

I go from place to place
Watching the destruction
Around me;

Sirens blaring
People scared
Driving here
Driving there
Picking up food
Delivering it to empty
Doorsteps

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

Though I have not
Been psychotic
For years

Though I currently
Am Employed
With a Job

Though my rationality
Has increased

Though my pocketbooks
Are more full

Though my mind
Has mended

Though I can almost pass
As “Normal”

Their are
Still scars from
When I was
Insane.

Phantoms from my past.

I feel distant
And detached,

Not from Reality
As I once was,

But from people.

I have grown cold
And numb
To their presence

People feel
Foreign and
Far off in a distant land,

Where the normals
Reside

Doing normal things
With normal worries
And normal values.

Their patterns
Predictable and
Benign.

Their experiences
Mostly
Common.

When you have
Tread a
Different path

And charted off
Into forbidden
Waters

You see
Strange things,
Phantoms and
Monsters,

From unseen lands

And the demons
From these places
Have followed me home.

And though I
No longer
Believe in them

They have forever
Changed me
And still
Contaminate
My memories

Making me feel like
A stranger
In a foreign world
And giving me
Nightmares.

Memories
From a real life
Horror Show,

That I have
Found impossible
To forget.

I’ve been called a Commie
Before
But the truth is that
I think of myself as
A Henry David Thoreau
Follower.

The idea that
Equality and justice
Can be achieved solely
Through the redistribution
Of wealth,

Is a farce
In my opinion.

The reason being that
Most poverty
Exists outside of the
Human Eye,

Inside the immaterial
Realm.

Spiritual
Health and
Mental
Poverty can be

More hellish
Than you
Can imagine.

I am no MLK or Gandhi
Or leader or saint.

I am no model of
Chivalry or virtue,

And I am definitely
Not a therapist
Or harbinger of
Hope.

Poetry
For me is a
Selfish endeavor.

I do it because I
Love it
And because
I am addicted to it.

If my words have brought
You comfort or hope
Then I am happy for you…
But I do it
For myself.

I am in love with
The attention
The fame
The adoration
The power of persuasion
The power of expression
The power of manipulation

If you are looking for
Moral leadership
Then you best look
Elsewhere,

But be wary
Most of the self described
“Do-Gooders” and “Saints”
I’ve met
Are actually wolves in
Sheep’s clothing