Author: carinemily

Hanging out at coffee shops
On a Saturday night during a
Pandemic might sound like
Russian Roulette for some people

But when you have lived in the hell
Called “Psychosis”
A deadly virus sounds like
A walk in the park.

I’m sitting in a crowded coffee shop
Filled with college students
Who don’t give a damn
About this pandemic
And I can almost touch the Covid
In the air.

After a year of distancing and
Driving myself insane through
Self isolation I decided to
Live life again
Write poetry and

Let God decide
The rest.

When you lose a
Hundred and Twenty pounds
You start to notice small
Changes in your life
Like

Winks and smiles
That weren’t there before
From pretty gals who never
Knew you existed.

People start to notice who
The hell you are
When you walk in the
Door

And that you
Aren’t just some
Large mass
Occupying an empty space,

That you are an
Actual person.

Then you realize that
All the Quest Bars and
Low Calorie Smoothies,

And all the long Trails
That you hiked on
Mile after mile

Where worth
Every damn minute.

Nothing symbolizes
Political Crackpots and
2020 misinformation
Better than
The Qanon Shaman.

This supporter and
Conspiracy theorist
Stormed the Capitol
Building
On January 6th 2021,

Covered in Red, White and Blue
Face paint,
Dressed in a Horned Buffalo Costume
And waving
The American Flag.

He posed for the cameras
As he went about desecrating
A vessel of Democracy
For all the world to see,

And risked his life for
Baseless internet
Buffooneries.

After he
Is released from prison
He will forever be infamous as

The Qanon Shaman.

A so called “patriot”
In the age of insanity

A little over a year ago I was
Told I would likely die
From an inoperable hernia.

Instead of “Giving Up”
I ate protein shakes
Quest bars and walked
An hour or two every day
For 16 months.

I lost 115 lbs,

Enough weight so
That the Doctors
Would attempt to
Operate on me.

The day of reckoning
Arrived
Last week,

After a year of
Hard and arduous
Work.

I showed up at
The hospital early
And went
To the pre-op room
Where I placed myself on a gurney
So that the nurses could
Shave
My abdomen.

I made small talk about
My recent vacation
To help calm
My nerves as
They fed me pills and
Antibiotics through an
IV.

Above my bed was a cross
And I started humming hymns
In a drug induced stupor
As I drifted in and out
Of consciousness.

Eventually they rolled me into
The cutting room
Where I found
A dozen or so
Highly trained
Surgeons.

I gave them a thumbs up
And thanked them,
As they placed a mask
Over my face
And then
Darkness.

I woke up in
Blood soaked
Abdominal wrappings
And was told that
The surgery had gone
Remarkably well.

Three days later I was still
Taking Oxycodone
Tylenol, Ibuprofen
Muscle relaxers and
Nova-cane,

And am thankful
That I am alive
And will one day
Be fully recovered.

I remember taking a cryptography course
Back in 2000
And the professor spoke of various
Algorithms used to scramble
Information and keep our data
Private
On the internet.

These algorithms
When utilized properly are
Considered
Unbreakable,

But can be
Circumnavigated
Using backdoors.

Years later
A computer analyst
Named Edward Snowden
Came forward with thousands
Of classified documents
About government
Surveillance.

We now realize
That all of our online activities
Are being monitored
And analyzed by
NSA Supercomputers.

Our privacy is
An illusion.

Its enough to make
The most sane
Person
Paranoid.

It ends up
That
They really are
Watching us
After all.

Have you ever had your life
Held by a thin rope?

That is what
Everything feels like
On a
Life saving drug.

My job
My friends
My family
My life

All dependent
On a single pill.

Without
These pills
I would cease
To be,

And with them
I can flourish.

Modern medicine
Has breathed
Life into me,

And made me realize
That true heroes
Often work
In hospitals.

Daily
I go about my job
Taking
Necessary risks

To feed the patrons of
Cincinnati and
Deliver
Essential goods.

I wear a mask and
Do my distancing like
A good loyal employee,

And every now and
Then an unmasked face
Will cough on me
At work,

And I can’t help but think
That if someone wants to share germs
With me,

They damn well better do it
In a pleasurable manner.

If you think
Your greatest
Accomplishment
Was to be born
A particular
Gender or Race,

Then maybe you should
Find something to
Do that is more
Important.

Be a Nurse, Semi-Driver,
Businessman, Musician,
Waitress, Bartender
Mechanic, Doctor,
Or Writer.

Be a Verb.

If your defining
Moment
Happened at age zero,

Then maybe you
Should grow up.

As I drive from the
Artificial world of
The city
Into the wilderness
My mind drifts
Deeper into nature
And oneness with my
Surroundings.

This is how mankind
Was meant to dwell,
Alongside the
Rivers, forests and
Other nature spirits
That birthed us.

Modern times
Teach us to
Abandon our
History and
Embrace the
New worlds,

Yet my mind
Drifts toward
Simpler and more
Primitive times,
Especially when I
Live inside our
Fake Plastic World.

I unplugged my television
Last week and
Decided to turn off
The bad news and
Endless noise of
Humanity screaming
In my ears.

If the world is going to end
In fire and flames or
Sickness and death or
Civil War
I’d rather not see
It coming.

I’d rather be sitting far
Off in a cabin somewhere
When the bombs hit
Or the plague
Spreads or whatever
Abominations from the
Book of Revelation
Materialize.

Better to live 100%
Of your life to the fullest
Than 90% in fear and
Dread.

I have almost 0 dollars in
My bank account
Right now,

But so does
Almost everyone else
I know.

Capitalism and Covid
Have finally brought
Equality to America,

In the form of poverty.

Now that most of
Us are equally broke,
We can concentrate
On other
More important things,

Like learning how to
Cook cheap Pasta,

Grow our own
Vegetables

And master our
Survival skills.

There is no better food
Suited for a pandemic than
Wasabi Peas.

They cost only 1 dollar
At Dollar Tree.

They taste rather strange
And their spice is just right,
A whole bag of them
Will fill you up for
Hours and make you
Feel rather nice.

Eat them daily
To become
Quiet a sight.
These little balls of wonder,
Are the poor man’s
Delicious Delight.

Healthy and filling
A dieters dream come true
Look like the Hulk
And save money too.

Wasabi Peas,
Won’t burn a hole
In your pocket,
But will turn you
Into stud.

Wasabi Peas
The little green
Vegetable that will
Make your lady
Swoon.

Wasabi Peas
Good for me
Good for you.

It’s mesmerizing
How far I’ve come with
My recovery since
My first psychotic break
Twenty years ago.

I remember the sickness
And unimaginable pain
That brought
Tears to my eyes.

I remember praying to
God to show me
A path out.

I remember losing everything

Friends,
Home,
Money,
Job,
Health,
Sanity.

I remember thinking that no
Human being could endure
Such torture
For long.

I remember every delusional thought
Feeling like an arrow
In my heart.

I remember the pain I brought
To the people I loved
And who tried to help me.

I remember my paranoia
Guiding my actions.

I remember all of it,

And like a hardened veteran
Who underwent a war
Within the mind,

Sometimes
Wish that I could
Forget.

Watching America collapse
From self-inflicted wounds
Reminds me of
My alcoholic days,

When I intoxicated myself
Everyday with
Alcohol and
Self pity,

And I should have
Been trying to give a damn
About my health.

I used to think that
Being an introvert and a
Misanthrope made me
Weak,

But I’ve found it to
Be rather useful during a
Pandemic.

I interact with 100 people a day
Standing in crowded rooms
At restaurants and cafes
Wearing my delivery cap
And face mask,

While breathing in toxic air
And risking my health
For the wealthy and desperate
Individuals who can afford
My services.

When I deliver food
To the scared customers
Waiting inside,

No one is in sight
For fear that my cough
Will bring them death
From this blight.

I am the delivery guy
That breathes in sickness
And death,

So that others can
Stay safe inside

And wait for Covid-19
To subside.

I still love America these days
Even if its in a post-apocalyptic
Way.

I still love the air
I breathe here
Even if its filled with toxicity and
Sickness and death.

I still love the
Nature of America and
Its many great landmarks and
Parks that still dwell
Untouched by the pandemic.

I still love the people here;
The mobsters, the free spirits
The hoodlums and pranksters
The art creators and other
Eccentric types
That make up
This great country of ours.

I still love its many great cities
And its diverse population
Where every form of life
Can still be found,
Even if they now live in fear.

And
I still love this country
Because I know
That someday
It will learn
From its many
Recent mistakes
And transgressions,

And become something
Better and greater than
It was before,

But first it will need to
Hurt.

Really bad.

Which is where we
Are now at now…

Take off that mask
Baby doll
So that I can see those
Bright teeth,
Pink lips
And pretty cheeks.

Then
Stand close
To me
So that I can feel
Your warm breathe,

Let me taste the
Covid on your lips
And have you stand
Beside me
6 inches apart

So that we may
Be as one
Till our last
Dying breath.